At some point, I began to realize that I have a tough time watching gut-wrenching movies or listening to dramatic stories without being flooded with emotions. I thought being sympathetic in this way was a good path to connect with people.
What I've learned since then is that there is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy. While listening to someone's story, trying to identify with the other person's pain is a matter of sympathy. I would put myself in their shoes and see what feelings I would have in that situation. Apparently I was good at finding those feelings and emotions.
Or perhaps we look into our own history to find a similar story, or one that produced similar feelings. My mistake was in assuming that I knew what feelings the other person had actually experienced. Inevitably, by relating what happened to me and how I felt, I sound like I am engaging in brinkmanship so I can feel superior in the depth of my emotions and feelings.
Empathy is about observing and honoring. Listening isn't about how much I can identify with your feelings or story. It's about respecting your feelings and story. It's about honoring your story and feelings.
It's imperative for me to be neutral while you are relating your story in order for me to respect and honor who you are. Because you are not me. I am not you. Neither of us can know the other's experience.
Honoring and respecting each other is the essence of empathy.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Venn of the jungle
I don't know about you, but I get a little overwhelmed with all the groups and web pages that I can "belong" to, and I wonder how I can possibly figure out what is most relevant to me. Yes, I can drill down into the niche and find a micro-culture with a focus that is right in line with my thinking.
But I'm more than that. I hope WE're more than that.
The first problem is that we are constantly growing. Either that or you're dieing. And if we're growing, that narrow box is not going to hold us for long.
The second challenge I find is that I am more than that one niche or box, and I have other interests. Yet each focus is stand-alone and myopic.
What if there was a way to incorporate the concept of a venn diagram (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagram) as a visual and functional way to integrate the different aspects of my life.
I have no idea how this would work. I see a similar process with the adwords that determine the placement of Google and Facebook ads that feed from the trough of profile or search keywords. Yet, those processes actually narrow the field, eliminating the personal interests that are not within the smallest box.
What if the Venn program would give us the mix of people and activities that have similar overlaps to my own?
I suppose this is what Match.com or Harmony.com is doing. That has a common purpose for the participants.
What if it was used in other ways? Can you imagine ways that it could be used? (Yes, I am asking You!)
Well, this could be an amazing piece of social media, if someone were to run with it. Just send me my royalty check every week.
But I'm more than that. I hope WE're more than that.
The first problem is that we are constantly growing. Either that or you're dieing. And if we're growing, that narrow box is not going to hold us for long.
The second challenge I find is that I am more than that one niche or box, and I have other interests. Yet each focus is stand-alone and myopic.
What if there was a way to incorporate the concept of a venn diagram (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagram) as a visual and functional way to integrate the different aspects of my life.
I have no idea how this would work. I see a similar process with the adwords that determine the placement of Google and Facebook ads that feed from the trough of profile or search keywords. Yet, those processes actually narrow the field, eliminating the personal interests that are not within the smallest box.
What if the Venn program would give us the mix of people and activities that have similar overlaps to my own?
I suppose this is what Match.com or Harmony.com is doing. That has a common purpose for the participants.
What if it was used in other ways? Can you imagine ways that it could be used? (Yes, I am asking You!)
Well, this could be an amazing piece of social media, if someone were to run with it. Just send me my royalty check every week.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I am embracing my practice of Enthusiasm for today from our Spiritual Liberation book study that says "Enthusiasm enables us to choose to go with the flow of life...with full confidence that each circumstance is intended to accelerate our evolution." Really. Even that guy last night who was... Or when so and so said.... Really? So, like, what happens to my victim-story? I just let that go? Really?! (Haha)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Reasons to join a Reflect&Connect Book Series
As we prepare for the launch of our web site for Reflect & Connect (Reflect-Connect.com), I was thinking about how this whole concept of Small Group Book Series might seem a little foreign to some people.
I could talk about how it happens, what goes on, the structure, the books; but that's not the most important part of it. The best part is what you experience.
You see, reading a book is a wonderful way to gather information. The wisest people in the world have written books that can change our lives. They have encapsulated and explained abstract concepts in order to make them accessible to our minds. They give us examples so that we can relate to them.
In the process of reading these books, we could become transformed. But that's not what usually happens.
For a lot of people, myself included, I can read a book; intellectualize a book; understand a book; even be able to regurgitate it upon demand. Yet, how much it changes my actual behavior is not equal to the plethora information that I retained.
Our ability to benefit from information is proportional to the emotional content and connection that we experience.
An emotionally invested speaker who speaks to an audience with enthusiasm and excitement will benefit her audience, whereas a speaker who talks by rote or from a script will rarely leave any beneficial motivation in the hearts and minds of her audience.
The same is true for you. "Verbalizing crystallizes ideas." When you have the opportunity to speak your truth, your wisdom comes forth and the ideas that were like mere maple seeds before will now germinate and grow and become solid wood that you can build a life upon.
And every time someone in your group speaks their own wisdom, you can shift your own thoughts to a new perspective that expands your own ways of thinking. Each time someone speaks, we break down the walls of our own paradigms. And each expression of wisdom and truth is a new seed for you to build upon.
Being a vibrant part of a small group book series will give you the potential to experience your own enthusiasm and your unlimited wisdom. Priceless.
I could talk about how it happens, what goes on, the structure, the books; but that's not the most important part of it. The best part is what you experience.
You see, reading a book is a wonderful way to gather information. The wisest people in the world have written books that can change our lives. They have encapsulated and explained abstract concepts in order to make them accessible to our minds. They give us examples so that we can relate to them.
In the process of reading these books, we could become transformed. But that's not what usually happens.
For a lot of people, myself included, I can read a book; intellectualize a book; understand a book; even be able to regurgitate it upon demand. Yet, how much it changes my actual behavior is not equal to the plethora information that I retained.
Our ability to benefit from information is proportional to the emotional content and connection that we experience.
An emotionally invested speaker who speaks to an audience with enthusiasm and excitement will benefit her audience, whereas a speaker who talks by rote or from a script will rarely leave any beneficial motivation in the hearts and minds of her audience.
The same is true for you. "Verbalizing crystallizes ideas." When you have the opportunity to speak your truth, your wisdom comes forth and the ideas that were like mere maple seeds before will now germinate and grow and become solid wood that you can build a life upon.
And every time someone in your group speaks their own wisdom, you can shift your own thoughts to a new perspective that expands your own ways of thinking. Each time someone speaks, we break down the walls of our own paradigms. And each expression of wisdom and truth is a new seed for you to build upon.
Being a vibrant part of a small group book series will give you the potential to experience your own enthusiasm and your unlimited wisdom. Priceless.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Personality Is A Tool 2
"We can change our personality, but not our basic self. Personality is a tool, and outlet, a focal point of the self that we use in dealing with the world."
Our Real Self is always within, and so much more than we can even conceive of ourselves to be.
Over time, we have chosen our personality as a way to express ourselves, and way too often, to protect ourselves. Most of us, if not all, have found ways to be safe in what seemed like dangerous situations, and they were effective. We wouldn't have developed those habits if they were not effective in some situation.
But that personality trait is not necessarily useful any more, and it may not express our Real Self. Especially if we have used it to protect our Real Self from a perceived danger.
But what if we can choose right now to use our personality as the expression, the outlet, of our Real Self? What if I look at who I really am, the full potential and talents and powers that are within me, as the incentive and model for developing my personality? What if I am no longer a slave to the habits and attitudes that I learned somewhere else? What if personality is a tool for expressing the best within me?
The personality is merely a tool for expressing my authentic self.
Our Real Self is always within, and so much more than we can even conceive of ourselves to be.
Over time, we have chosen our personality as a way to express ourselves, and way too often, to protect ourselves. Most of us, if not all, have found ways to be safe in what seemed like dangerous situations, and they were effective. We wouldn't have developed those habits if they were not effective in some situation.
But that personality trait is not necessarily useful any more, and it may not express our Real Self. Especially if we have used it to protect our Real Self from a perceived danger.
But what if we can choose right now to use our personality as the expression, the outlet, of our Real Self? What if I look at who I really am, the full potential and talents and powers that are within me, as the incentive and model for developing my personality? What if I am no longer a slave to the habits and attitudes that I learned somewhere else? What if personality is a tool for expressing the best within me?
The personality is merely a tool for expressing my authentic self.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Personality Is A Tool
"Most of us are better, wiser, stronger, mor competent right now than we realize. Creating a better self-image does not create new abilities, talents, powers; it releases and utilizes them. -Maxwell Maltz
Creating a better self-image isn't a process of plastering an image over what we are at the core, our Real Self. Creating a better self image is about being willing to see that we are more than our own mind has led us to believe.
We can look at ourselves from the view of where we were and allow ourselves to be fooled into believing this is all that is possible. We can assume that this is the best we can do, unless we recieve additional knowledge and wisdom from outside of ourselves. Or that something or someone can suddenly make us greater.
But all of that is useless without the true potentiality of those gifts existing within us right now. All the power and talent that we could ever possess is the potential that already exists within us. And self-image can be subservient to that potential, if we choose, or it can be our despot.
By creating a better self-image in our minds, we create the conduit for those talents and powers to be released.
Seems like a "chicken and egg" paradox.
But once we see our potential as much greater than we could ever fully empower, then our self-image will naturally expand to reflect that potential..
Creating a better self-image isn't a process of plastering an image over what we are at the core, our Real Self. Creating a better self image is about being willing to see that we are more than our own mind has led us to believe.
We can look at ourselves from the view of where we were and allow ourselves to be fooled into believing this is all that is possible. We can assume that this is the best we can do, unless we recieve additional knowledge and wisdom from outside of ourselves. Or that something or someone can suddenly make us greater.
But all of that is useless without the true potentiality of those gifts existing within us right now. All the power and talent that we could ever possess is the potential that already exists within us. And self-image can be subservient to that potential, if we choose, or it can be our despot.
By creating a better self-image in our minds, we create the conduit for those talents and powers to be released.
Seems like a "chicken and egg" paradox.
But once we see our potential as much greater than we could ever fully empower, then our self-image will naturally expand to reflect that potential..
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Should-Do List
While listening to "Good to Great", the subject of To-Do lists came up. Then the idea of a Stop-Doing list was proposed, a list of the things a company would Not do because it was not moving toward its core objective and core values.
I realized that I was having a similar challenge with my To-Do list.
As I am working, I suddenly remember something that is on my To-Do list, or it's something I want to add to my list, and I then think about it, ruminate over it, obsess about it, and get totally distracted from the task at hand. And so begins the chase.
But the rest of my To-Do list is not a Should-Do list. As a matter of fact, as long as my current task is serving my core values, objectives, and purpose, I know I can let go of the Should-Do list and feel good about where I am.
And that is the key to peace of mind and focus. Am I working on something that is progress to my purpose and core values? If not, it will create stress. If it is, I can rest in the knowledge that I am right where I need to be. A simple formula. Let's see how it works.
Yes, this blog is part of my purpose and core values. I feel good.
I realized that I was having a similar challenge with my To-Do list.
As I am working, I suddenly remember something that is on my To-Do list, or it's something I want to add to my list, and I then think about it, ruminate over it, obsess about it, and get totally distracted from the task at hand. And so begins the chase.
But the rest of my To-Do list is not a Should-Do list. As a matter of fact, as long as my current task is serving my core values, objectives, and purpose, I know I can let go of the Should-Do list and feel good about where I am.
And that is the key to peace of mind and focus. Am I working on something that is progress to my purpose and core values? If not, it will create stress. If it is, I can rest in the knowledge that I am right where I need to be. A simple formula. Let's see how it works.
Yes, this blog is part of my purpose and core values. I feel good.
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